Solstice Post!

there was so much smoke

there is something about those mountains and about that sky that takes my breath away

morning Gurdwara was one of my favorite times of the day. There is nothing like meditating to beautiful kirtan with the rising of the sun

Ok so I have kind of been procrastinating writing this post, mainly because I have been asked by so many people, “Oh how was Solstice?” so I’ve been repeating myself a lot lately, and the thought of sitting down and writing it all out just seemed a bit excrucuating…but it is necessary, so here goes.

Solstice was…amazing. It was amazing and very transformational. Overall, exhausting. I could write quite a bit about the uncomfortable conditions up the hill, the wind, the dry heat, the cold showers, the dust that got everywhere….yeah all that was quite unpleasant at times, but besides all those physically uncomfortable sensations, I experienced a very profound change which sticks out in my mind as the most important part of my summer solstice experience.

Where I spent most of my down time

I found the Guru….or you could say, I finally was able to relate to the the spiritual path of Sikhism with my full heart. I now understood the wisdom of the teachings of the Siri Guru Granth. Waheguru, wow it was amazing! It happened like this: Up there in those mountains of Ram Das Puri, I was under so much pressure in every single way I felt like I was going to implode. Physically, I was uncomfortable all the time. I got sunburns, heat rashes and generally was overheated. Emotionally, I was under more stress than I think I have ever been in my life. My mind was constantly consumed with anxiety and stress. I was also just feeling the pressure of the changing times. Change seems to be happening so rapidly, for so many people, the pressure of all this change to be flexible is tiresome, it tests you! So much change in such a short period of time is exhausting. I found myself trying so hard to cling to the past and what I knew, than be able to just let go and accept the change. Emotionally, I exhausted myself, by not being able to accept the present situation. I was trying to impose what I wanted to happen on the situation, which never really turns out well. I was trying to control my life, haha.

Anyway, so my point. During this recent solstice experience, I realized that I do not want to…rather…I cannot live anything but a spiritual, committed lifestyle, and having grown up as a Sikh, I have a deep love for the mindset and daily practices of this lifestyle. Now, more than I ever have in my entire life, I am trusting the infinite to take care of me. I am giving myself to the Guru. I feel as if a huge, sloppy, sticky mess has just been lifted from my shoulders. Another huge change, I am now fully committed. Before this year, there was always a thought in the back of my head that maybe, someday, who knows, I might not be a Sikh, you just never know what can happen in life. Throughout this past year, I have gone through a lot of pain, and during the past few months have been coming back to my Sikh lifestyle to give me strength and help me renew. Summer solstice was merely the final process which called me to really decide, to really commit. I know now what it is to not live as a Sikh and for me, it was a living hell. I do not like some of the effects that straying from the lifestyle has brought me, but I have found something that is more important than anything that I may have lost. I feel that I have finally found myself. Whatever happened was merely a sacrifice to allow me to find my path. Now I know I will dedicate myself to living as a Sikh no matter what. I cannot imagine doing anything else, I do not want to do anything else. Now I am experiencing such sweet joy within from the wisdom of this path. I am REALLY hearing it! I’ve grown up as a Sikh, so it’s not like any of this is really new to me, but it was not relevant until now. I guess now I have some real-life experience to relate to.

Resting while listening to beautiful kirtan in the Gurdwara in Espanola

So, solstice was a chance for me to really attune to all this. To finally commit, and say, no I don’t want to life a wishy-washy life always searching for satisfaction outside of myself. I want to live a life of devotion and service to others through the wisdom of a Sikh lifestyle. Waheguru!!! What a beautiful place in my life to be right now! It is so amazing there are no words to describe it. I am quite ecstatic. There is a steadiness that is growing in me that comes from my committment. With committment, there is no question and with no question there can be no duality, and without duality there is no need for worry, stress, emotion, commotion. Thank god, sheesh. It’s about time I gave myself this gift. I feel so blessed. Wow!!!


Sikh weddings are firstly about one's own comittment to the Guru, and secondly to each other

“Soohee, Third Mehl: The body-bride is very beautiful; she dwells with her Husband Lord. She becomes the happy soul-bride of her True Husband Lord, contemplating the Word of the Guru’s Shabad. The Lord’s devotee is forever attuned to the Lord’s Love; her ego is burnt away from within. ||1|| Waaho! Waaho! Blessed, blessed is the Word of the Perfect Guru’s Bani. It wells up and springs forth from the Perfect Guru, and merges into Truth. ||1||Pause|| Everything is within the Lord – the continents, worlds and nether regions. The Life of the World, the Great Giver, dwells within the body; He is the Cherisher of all. The body-bride is eternally beautiful; the Gurmukh contemplates the Naam. ||2|| The Lord Himself dwells within the body; He is invisible and cannot be seen. The foolish self-willed manmukh does not understand; he goes out searching for the Lord externally. One who serves the True Guru is always at peace; the True Guru has shown me the Invisible Lord. ||3||…”         -Siri Guru Granth Sahib
I am you and you are me, what is the difference between us?

Yes :)

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The Daily Hukamnama from Harimandir Sahib, Amritsar - India


English Translation:

Raag Soohee, Chhant, Fourth Mehl, Third House: One Universal Creator God. By The Grace Of The True Guru: Come, humble Saints, and sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord of the Universe. Let us gather together as Gurmukh; within the home of our own heart, the Shabad vibrates and resonates. The many melodies of the Shabad are Yours, O Lord God; O Creator Lord, You are everywhere. Day and night, I chant His Praises forever, lovingly focusing on the True Word of the Shabad. Night and day, I remain intuitively attuned to the Lord’s Love; in my heart, I worship the Lord’s Name. O Nanak, as Gurmukh, I have realized the One Lord; I do not know any other. ||1|| He is contained amongst all; He is God, the Inner-knower, the Searcher of hearts. One who meditates and dwells upon God, through the Word of the Guru’s Shabad, knows that God, my Lord and Master, is pervading everywhere. God, my Lord and Master, is the Inner-knower, the Searcher of hearts; He pervades and permeates each and every heart. Through the Guru’s Teachings, Truth is obtained, and then, one merges in celestial bliss. There is no other than Him. I sing His Praises with intuitive ease. If it pleases God, He shall unite me with Himself. O Nanak, through the Shabad, God is known; meditate on the Naam, day and night. ||2|| This world is treacherous and impassable; the self-willed manmukh cannot cross over. Within him is egotism, self-conceit, sexual desire, anger and cleverness. Within him is cleverness; he is not approved, and his life is uselessly wasted and lost. On the Path of Death, he suffers in pain, and must endure abuse; in the end, he departs regretfully. Without the Name, he has no friends, no children, family or relatives. O Nanak, the wealth of Maya, attachment and ostentatious shows – none of them shall go along with him to the world hereafter. ||3|| I ask my True Guru, the Giver, how to cross over the treacherous and difficult world-ocean. Walk in harmony with the True Guru’s Will, and remain dead while yet alive. Remaining dead while yet alive, cross over the terrifying world-ocean; as Gurmukh, merge in the Naam. One obtains the Perfect Primal Lord, by great good fortune, lovingly focusing on the True Name. The intellect is enlightened, and the mind is satisfied, through the glory of the Lord’s Name. O Nanak, God is found, merging in the Shabad, and one’s light blends into the Light. ||4||1||4||




I Am A Woman Daily Quotes Banner

June 26, 2011 I Am A Woman Quote Image

Through your presence it should be felt that you are divine, that is bana. Through your word it should be felt that you are divine, that is bani. Through your deeds everybody should be elevated to the divine, that is seva. Through your powerful sadhana, you should be elevating yourself, that is simran.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan August 1, 1982


Too True

“In our life, our noncommittal commitment gives us a kind of fake idea that there’s something better that we can grab tomorrow. It’s a grabbing attitude; not a building attitude. Commitment will build you slowly, surely, gracefully and wonderfully; but grabbing will never guarantee anything.” -YB

yeah….I used to think like this. I always wanted to keep my options open, not necessarily because I thought there was something better out there but because I was insecure, afraid to commit, afraid of unexpected changes in the future. I think also, there was some part of me that was afraid of being really happy. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself, I’m doing well, and then I get scared that if I commit to something, it might not work out, or I make a mistake and let myself down which makes me feel pretty shitty. So, in order to avoid the possibility of these things, better to just not commit at all, better to not even try. Better to quite while you’re ahead, right?

I learned how to snowboard last season. Now, I’m at the point where I can get down the hill without falling, and have fun. This is the point where I need to challenge myself to go for it. I almost always stop myself before I get going over a speed I’m not comfortable with, but then I am also not challenging myself to learn how to handle the speed. I’m at the point where I need to be able to handle the speed. I need to be able to point my board straight down the mountain and just ride. It’s a gut instinct that kicks in and goes, ahhh you are going to loose control and fall down and hurt yourself. Not necessarily. I will never know unless I try, and I will fail, but at some point I must succeed.

Gosh, I just don’t wanna be a looser anymore who doesn’t even try. Wtf is up with that. You’ve already failed if you don’t even try. I want to commit to things, good things in my life. I want to be strong enough to claim my happiness. I want to be able to make some sacrifices in order to be true to my Self. Ok, ok, so I think what I gotta say to myself is this. I can handle the speed, I can do this. I can be strong, I can make sacrifices, I can commit.


“I only find solace in my Guru. That is what I have learned. I feel that in this life, I will only be satiated with the infinite love of service to the infinite. Through meditation on the Name…Infinite love has no room for possession, only giving…You are healed now and forever”


I love these guys.


This is a verse from the Bhagavad-Gita that Gandhi quotes in his Autobiography (I highly highly reccomend it. It is comforting as well as inspirational to see that someone who made such a huge impact on the World was still just a man, he made mistakes too) that I love. I also wonder, whoever wrote the Gita must have also experienced these things for themselves. They must have gone through the experience of being completely consumed by their desires and minds. If not, how could they have written such a beautiful work with so much wisdom? Even the Buddha experienced extreme pain and made mistakes (or conscious choices) in his life, such as renounce the material world which included his wife and son to pursue enlightenment.

If one ponders on objects of the sense, there springs attraction; from attraction grows desire, desire flames to fierce passion, passion breeds recklessness; then the memory- all betrayed- lets noble purpose go, and saps the mind, till purpose, mind, and man are all undone.”   -Bhagavad-Gita

Ok this is for realz now

ok peoples….I’ve been procrastinating writing this post, if you read that Gandhi quote below, well that’s why…been just not able to commit. Ok here goes my daily sadhana that I am committing to right NOW!

1.) I will take a cold shower every morning (It really is physically impossible to feel depressed in a cold shower, really helps to get you out of a funk, then again as I’m writing this I’m like oh god what are you thinking just stop, delete now, but no, I really gotta do this) This video is just great, see how vibrant she is?!

Wearing kacheras fixes the problem of trying to keep your thighs out of the cold water

2.) I will read Jaapji every morning!

3.) I will do the Smiling Buddha meditation everyday (link to how to do the meditation is in a earlier post)

4.) I will refer to a list of positive affirmations and quotes when I am sad and also make a list of things I can do to makes myself feel better (need to still make this, but definitely going to include The Rebel tarot card)

oh yeah, I can do this. Ok, This is happening!

Looking forward to…

Solstice so much. Yeah, life is hard lately. Just, everything piling up all at once. When dealing with issues of the heart vs. school, the heart seems so much more important, it has been hard to pull through this year. I’m just glad it’s over so now I can focus fully on taking care of myself and getting better.

I don’t know, can meditation fix everything? Sometimes it just feels good to cry.

I know it makes me sad, but I can’t help listening to Bon Iver. I am ecstatic and filled with sorrow all at once.

Another song I probably shouldn’t be listening to, but I ❤ Band of Horses…

So this part term I took a class all about Gandhi. It was awesome, I learned so much about him and his movement and motivations that I had not  known before. One of my favorite passages from his autobiography that I just have to share which I completely agree with:

“The importance of vows grew upon me more clearly than ever before. I realized that a vow, far from closing the door to real freedom, opened it. Up to this time I had not met with success because the will had been lacking, because I had had no faith in myself, no faith in the grace of God, and therefore, my mind had been tossed on the boisterous sea of doubt.

I realized that in refusing to take a vow man was drawn into temptation, and that to be bound by a vow was like a passage from libertin-ism to a real monogamous marriage. ‘I believe in effort, I do not want to blind myself with vows,’ is the mentality of weakness and betrays a subtle desire for the thing to be avoided. Or where can be the difficulty in making a final decision?

I vow to flee from the serpent which I know will bite me, I do not simply make an effort to flee from him. I know that mere effort may mean certain death. Mere effort means ignorance of the certain fact that the serpent is bound to kill me. The fact, therefore, that I could rest content with an effort only, means that I have not yet clearly realized the necessity of definite action.

‘But supposing my views are changed in the future, how can I bind myself by a vow?’ Such a doubt often deters us. But that doubt also betrays a lack of clear perception that a particular thing must be renounced. That is is why Nishkulanand has sung: ‘Renunciation without aversion is not lasting.’ Where therefore the desire is gone, a vow of renunciation is the natural and inevitable fruit.”

I had a good friend tell me these things as well, now I really understand. I felt like I had an unfair advantage in this class. already understand what it means to follow a dharma, a spiritual path and I understand the Indian culture. Discussions were pretty fun. A group of college kids discussion karma, dharma, renunciation, commitment, spiritual practice and much more. Pretty cool.


There is no sweetness like the soul

These last few days have been slightly excruciating. It is finals week so I’ve had the stress of doing well on my exams and final papers to deal with as well as being just emotional. I’ve been studying a lot, but I can’t help feeling anxious all the time.

Last night I went for a run around 11pm at school. It was a warm night. I climbed over the fence to the racing track at school and started running laps to calm myself down. I was feeling very emotional and could have gone and hid in a corner and cried. I don’t want to wallow anymore. I will not wallow anymore. I didn’t feel motivated to do much, but I could run. I kept running until I didn’t have the energy to be upset anymore. I collapsed on the damp grass and stared at the stars and reminded myself that I am just a small being in the universe. My emotions are insignificant in this grand play of life.

I sat up and listened to Ardas Bhaee and felt myself merge into the flow of life. Simrit Kaur’s voice is so etheric, and



It was quite a beautiful experience, I can’t quite describe it. Lately, my life has been so emotional and all over the place, I get such sweet comfort from meditation and bani, I wish all of life could be like that! I get into a beautiful meditative state, I experience such bliss, and then the timer goes off and it’s time for real life to start again. It’s like a drug. I’m getting better at incorporating simran (recitation of mantra) into my life, and catching myself when I start going down a depressive, emotional spiral, but I am nowhere near perfect. Every few days it seems, my emotions find a crack in my resolve and burst through. Sometimes I can last a week or so. I just pray pray pray for the strength to keep up through this. I want to feel whole and loved by myself.

For the most part, I have had a very easy, cozy, pain-free life. It is only this year that I have recognized what real pain feels like. I now know what the purpose of living a spiritual life is, to be able to withstand the pressure of life. This time is very painful, but it is also very beautiful, it is transformational. I am changing, finally, growing in ways that I have wanted to for a long time, but never had the motivation.

I am finally an active participant in my life.

Thank god. It’s about fucking time. Sheesh. Where have I been all my life? I’ve just been coastin’.

I just need to work on forgiving myself for my mistakes. I don’t like that word, mistakes, it implys that there is regret there, and well, I do have some now, but I also believe in karma and that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t made these “mistakes” I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I feel that I am being put through the fire. I am being purified. I have been asking for this for a few years. I have been challenging life to give me all it’s got. I want to be challenged. I want to be put through the fire. I asked for this. So, I need to forgive myself, because it was out of my hands. Everything is as it is meant to be. I have been burned, but nothing is lost.

Life is a rollercoaster these days. There is not much that I can rely on. Although, I do keep coming back to “Waheguru!”