This is hard

I keep thinking that I’m getting to a good place, that I’m doing it, I’m finally keeping up, I’m finally solid…and then something happens and I feel like I’m back to square one.

I get to a place where I feel happy, and I feel like that happiness is coming from within me. I’m taking care of my body and my mind. I’m doing my daily mental-cleansing of my mind…but then I slip up.

I am very hard on myself. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am an all-or-nothing type person. If I start slipping, it can lead to a landslide.

I am trying to control my surroundings, when what I really should be focusing all my energy on is controlling my self.

I have caused myself to feel so so so much pain because of my lack of self-control in this past year.

I  don’t want to be in pain anymore.

I know I have people who love me, who are there to support me, but I feel like I’m suppose to be able to do this for myself, like I shouldn’t need them. Everything I need is within me, why can’t I just do this? Why can’t I just be a beautiful, radiant, happy person all the time?

People tell me I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. I guess I do. I want to be my best, and when I’m not I get down on myself and feel like, what’s the point of keeping up if I’ve already failed so many times? I think that is what the meaning of keeping up is. We are human, we make mistakes all the time, no one is perfect. We are perfect in our imperfection.

The purpose of living is to keep going, even through all the pain, setbacks, disappointments and losses. It’s easy to say, much harder to do. I’m struggling, but at least I’m still struggling, and not giving up. There was a point when I felt like I didn’t want to fight anymore. I felt like things were so bad, I was so bad, there was no point in trying because I was just going to fail again, I was just going to let myself down again, and maybe hurt some more people in the process. I felt that I was bad, I had already done so many bad things, there was no way I could ever be forgiven. That was definitely my darkest hour. I feel like I’ve been to hell and back. I know what it feels like to not want to live anymore.

I’m not there anymore. I have flashbacks sometimes, that is scary, but I’m not there anymore.

At least I’m at a point where I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to be sustainably happy but this change is not going to happen overnight. I need to forgive myself more for not being this perfect person I’d like to be. I have this fantasy in my head of my life, if I were this awesome person, but I need to bring myself back to earth. It’s fun to dream, but when it gets in the way of you living your life that is a problem.

I’d like to live in the real world now thank you. I just pray pray pray that I have the strength to get through this. I just want to be able to keep up. I want to be dependable, not wishy-washy and emotional.

I want to surrender my EGO.



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