These last few days have been slightly excruciating. It is finals week so I’ve had the stress of doing well on my exams and final papers to deal with as well as being just emotional. I’ve been studying a lot, but I can’t help feeling anxious all the time.
Last night I went for a run around 11pm at school. It was a warm night. I climbed over the fence to the racing track at school and started running laps to calm myself down. I was feeling very emotional and could have gone and hid in a corner and cried. I don’t want to wallow anymore. I will not wallow anymore. I didn’t feel motivated to do much, but I could run. I kept running until I didn’t have the energy to be upset anymore. I collapsed on the damp grass and stared at the stars and reminded myself that I am just a small being in the universe. My emotions are insignificant in this grand play of life.
I sat up and listened to Ardas Bhaee and felt myself merge into the flow of life. Simrit Kaur’s voice is so etheric, and
It was quite a beautiful experience, I can’t quite describe it. Lately, my life has been so emotional and all over the place, I get such sweet comfort from meditation and bani, I wish all of life could be like that! I get into a beautiful meditative state, I experience such bliss, and then the timer goes off and it’s time for real life to start again. It’s like a drug. I’m getting better at incorporating simran (recitation of mantra) into my life, and catching myself when I start going down a depressive, emotional spiral, but I am nowhere near perfect. Every few days it seems, my emotions find a crack in my resolve and burst through. Sometimes I can last a week or so. I just pray pray pray for the strength to keep up through this. I want to feel whole and loved by myself.
For the most part, I have had a very easy, cozy, pain-free life. It is only this year that I have recognized what real pain feels like. I now know what the purpose of living a spiritual life is, to be able to withstand the pressure of life. This time is very painful, but it is also very beautiful, it is transformational. I am changing, finally, growing in ways that I have wanted to for a long time, but never had the motivation.
I am finally an active participant in my life.
Thank god. It’s about fucking time. Sheesh. Where have I been all my life? I’ve just been coastin’.
I just need to work on forgiving myself for my mistakes. I don’t like that word, mistakes, it implys that there is regret there, and well, I do have some now, but I also believe in karma and that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t made these “mistakes” I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
I feel that I am being put through the fire. I am being purified. I have been asking for this for a few years. I have been challenging life to give me all it’s got. I want to be challenged. I want to be put through the fire. I asked for this. So, I need to forgive myself, because it was out of my hands. Everything is as it is meant to be. I have been burned, but nothing is lost.
Life is a rollercoaster these days. There is not much that I can rely on. Although, I do keep coming back to “Waheguru!”