“In our life, our noncommittal commitment gives us a kind of fake idea that theres something better that we can grab tomorrow. Its a grabbing attitude; not a building attitude. Commitment will build you slowly, surely, gracefully and wonderfully; but grabbing will never guarantee anything.” -YB
yeah….I used to think like this. I always wanted to keep my options open, not necessarily because I thought there was something better out there but because I was insecure, afraid to commit, afraid of unexpected changes in the future. I think also, there was some part of me that was afraid of being really happy. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself, I’m doing well, and then I get scared that if I commit to something, it might not work out, or I make a mistake and let myself down which makes me feel pretty shitty. So, in order to avoid the possibility of these things, better to just not commit at all, better to not even try. Better to quite while you’re ahead, right?
I learned how to snowboard last season. Now, I’m at the point where I can get down the hill without falling, and have fun. This is the point where I need to challenge myself to go for it. I almost always stop myself before I get going over a speed I’m not comfortable with, but then I am also not challenging myself to learn how to handle the speed. I’m at the point where I need to be able to handle the speed. I need to be able to point my board straight down the mountain and just ride. It’s a gut instinct that kicks in and goes, ahhh you are going to loose control and fall down and hurt yourself. Not necessarily. I will never know unless I try, and I will fail, but at some point I must succeed.
Gosh, I just don’t wanna be a looser anymore who doesn’t even try. Wtf is up with that. You’ve already failed if you don’t even try. I want to commit to things, good things in my life. I want to be strong enough to claim my happiness. I want to be able to make some sacrifices in order to be true to my Self. Ok, ok, so I think what I gotta say to myself is this. I can handle the speed, I can do this. I can be strong, I can make sacrifices, I can commit.