Ok this is for realz now

ok peoples….I’ve been procrastinating writing this post, if you read that Gandhi quote below, well that’s why…been just not able to commit. Ok here goes my daily sadhana that I am committing to right NOW!

1.) I will take a cold shower every morning (It really is physically impossible to feel depressed in a cold shower, really helps to get you out of a funk, then again as I’m writing this I’m like oh god what are you thinking just stop, delete now, but no, I really gotta do this) This video is just great, see how vibrant she is?!

Wearing kacheras fixes the problem of trying to keep your thighs out of the cold water

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Kachera

2.) I will read Jaapji every morning!

3.) I will do the Smiling Buddha meditation everyday (link to how to do the meditation is in a earlier post)

4.) I will refer to a list of positive affirmations and quotes when I am sad and also make a list of things I can do to makes myself feel better (need to still make this, but definitely going to include The Rebel tarot card)

oh yeah, I can do this. Ok, This is happening!

Looking forward to…

Solstice so much. Yeah, life is hard lately. Just, everything piling up all at once. When dealing with issues of the heart vs. school, the heart seems so much more important, it has been hard to pull through this year. I’m just glad it’s over so now I can focus fully on taking care of myself and getting better.

I don’t know, can meditation fix everything? Sometimes it just feels good to cry.

I know it makes me sad, but I can’t help listening to Bon Iver. I am ecstatic and filled with sorrow all at once.

Another song I probably shouldn’t be listening to, but I ❤ Band of Horses…

So this part term I took a class all about Gandhi. It was awesome, I learned so much about him and his movement and motivations that I had not  known before. One of my favorite passages from his autobiography that I just have to share which I completely agree with:

“The importance of vows grew upon me more clearly than ever before. I realized that a vow, far from closing the door to real freedom, opened it. Up to this time I had not met with success because the will had been lacking, because I had had no faith in myself, no faith in the grace of God, and therefore, my mind had been tossed on the boisterous sea of doubt.

I realized that in refusing to take a vow man was drawn into temptation, and that to be bound by a vow was like a passage from libertin-ism to a real monogamous marriage. ‘I believe in effort, I do not want to blind myself with vows,’ is the mentality of weakness and betrays a subtle desire for the thing to be avoided. Or where can be the difficulty in making a final decision?

I vow to flee from the serpent which I know will bite me, I do not simply make an effort to flee from him. I know that mere effort may mean certain death. Mere effort means ignorance of the certain fact that the serpent is bound to kill me. The fact, therefore, that I could rest content with an effort only, means that I have not yet clearly realized the necessity of definite action.

‘But supposing my views are changed in the future, how can I bind myself by a vow?’ Such a doubt often deters us. But that doubt also betrays a lack of clear perception that a particular thing must be renounced. That is is why Nishkulanand has sung: ‘Renunciation without aversion is not lasting.’ Where therefore the desire is gone, a vow of renunciation is the natural and inevitable fruit.”

I had a good friend tell me these things as well, now I really understand. I felt like I had an unfair advantage in this class. already understand what it means to follow a dharma, a spiritual path and I understand the Indian culture. Discussions were pretty fun. A group of college kids discussion karma, dharma, renunciation, commitment, spiritual practice and much more. Pretty cool.

 

There is no sweetness like the soul

These last few days have been slightly excruciating. It is finals week so I’ve had the stress of doing well on my exams and final papers to deal with as well as being just emotional. I’ve been studying a lot, but I can’t help feeling anxious all the time.

Last night I went for a run around 11pm at school. It was a warm night. I climbed over the fence to the racing track at school and started running laps to calm myself down. I was feeling very emotional and could have gone and hid in a corner and cried. I don’t want to wallow anymore. I will not wallow anymore. I didn’t feel motivated to do much, but I could run. I kept running until I didn’t have the energy to be upset anymore. I collapsed on the damp grass and stared at the stars and reminded myself that I am just a small being in the universe. My emotions are insignificant in this grand play of life.

I sat up and listened to Ardas Bhaee and felt myself merge into the flow of life. Simrit Kaur’s voice is so etheric, and

beautiful.

Listen: http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/song_details/3002160

It was quite a beautiful experience, I can’t quite describe it. Lately, my life has been so emotional and all over the place, I get such sweet comfort from meditation and bani, I wish all of life could be like that! I get into a beautiful meditative state, I experience such bliss, and then the timer goes off and it’s time for real life to start again. It’s like a drug. I’m getting better at incorporating simran (recitation of mantra) into my life, and catching myself when I start going down a depressive, emotional spiral, but I am nowhere near perfect. Every few days it seems, my emotions find a crack in my resolve and burst through. Sometimes I can last a week or so. I just pray pray pray for the strength to keep up through this. I want to feel whole and loved by myself.

For the most part, I have had a very easy, cozy, pain-free life. It is only this year that I have recognized what real pain feels like. I now know what the purpose of living a spiritual life is, to be able to withstand the pressure of life. This time is very painful, but it is also very beautiful, it is transformational. I am changing, finally, growing in ways that I have wanted to for a long time, but never had the motivation.

I am finally an active participant in my life.

Thank god. It’s about fucking time. Sheesh. Where have I been all my life? I’ve just been coastin’.

I just need to work on forgiving myself for my mistakes. I don’t like that word, mistakes, it implys that there is regret there, and well, I do have some now, but I also believe in karma and that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t made these “mistakes” I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I feel that I am being put through the fire. I am being purified. I have been asking for this for a few years. I have been challenging life to give me all it’s got. I want to be challenged. I want to be put through the fire. I asked for this. So, I need to forgive myself, because it was out of my hands. Everything is as it is meant to be. I have been burned, but nothing is lost.

Life is a rollercoaster these days. There is not much that I can rely on. Although, I do keep coming back to “Waheguru!”

Awesome: 

An Excellent Resource

http://fateh.sikhnet.com/Sikhnet/Register.nsf/CyberHukamnama

Kaanraa, Fifth Mehla:
My Friend, my Best Friend, my Lord and Master, is near.
He sees and hears everything; He is with everyone. You are here for such short time – why do you do evil? ||1||Pause||
Except for the Naam, whatever you are involved with is nothing – nothing is yours.
Hereafter, everything is revealed to your gaze; but in this world, all are enticed by the darkness of doubt. ||1||
People are caught in Maya, attached to their children and spouses. They have forgotten the Great and Generous Giver.
Says Nanak, I have one article of faith; my Guru is the One who releases me from bondage. ||2||6||25||

Absolute Unattachment

Attachment to things and people only leads to pain. I am working to be complete within myself, to be unattached to my things, my comforts, people in my life, and even to this life itself. I want to be ready to go at any time. You never know when you are going to go, best to always be prepared.

You never know when, like a single drop merges back into the ocean, you will merge back into the infinite

The Way of the Samurai is found in death.
Meditation on inevitable death should be performed daily.
Every day, when one’s body and mind are at peace,
one should meditate upon being ripped apart by arrows,
rifles, spears, and swords, being carried away by surging waves,
being thrown into the midst of a great fire, being struck by lightning,
being shaken to death by a great earthquake,
falling from thousand-foot cliffs,
dying of disease or committing seppuku at the death of one’s master.
And every day, without fail, one should consider himself as dead.
This is the substance of the Way of the Samurai.

—Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Just Do It

I leave for New Mexico next week!  😀

I can't wait for those big blue skies

This morning I was able to get up at a decent time and do Jaap Ji and my meditation. Awesome, big pat on the back for me! Not too much procrastination, I feel good.

I understand now the importance of having a daily spiritual practice, a sadhana. It really is what keeps you going! It is inevitable there are days that are going to be sad, hard, frustrating, stressful but a daily practice, I am finding, makes it easier to deal with those days. Making that daily connection with your Self, your soul, is comforting. It reminds me what life is all about and that there is hope.

The most important factor in being able to keep up with a spiritual practice, I feel is self-discipline. Yes, you can have the desire to do something everyday for yourself, a meditation, yoga set, take a walk through the woods, write in a journal, etc, but for me anyways, even though I know these things are good for me, and I want to have that good feeling afterwards, it can be really hard for me to literally just be able to do it. So, Nike has a point, Just Do It. So, one must be disciplined enough to be able to even sit down and meditate. This is a problem I have been struggling with since I graduated from Miri Piri Academy in 2008. (http://www.miripiriacademy.org/). Yes, I wanted to meditate everyday, do yoga, be active, do good things for myself, but there was something in me, laziness or lack of discipline that kept me from just doing it.

I feel like I’m overcoming that. I have been able to do this Buddha meditation consistently everyday for the past few weeks and I’m going to do at least 40 days. It is the first 40 days of anything I’ve done since MPA. It feels good to be taking control of my life! Taking that half an hr or so everyday snowballs into other part of my life. When I am mentally more sound, and secure, I am able to deal with the rest of my life more effectively.

I want to live my life this way, disciplined, spiritually-oriented and devoted. It is what is pulling me through right now. I just pray that when life gets easier I am still able to keep up despite the fact that I don’t have pain and lonliness to deal with on a daily basis.

This is a hukham I took at a time when I was questioning life and what the point is when it is just a constant struggle to keep up and keep focused. I’ve bookmarked it so I can remind myself of this.

slok mÚ 1 ]
salok ma 1 ||
Salok, First Mehla:
vyil ipM\wieAw kiq vuxwieAw ]
vael pi(n)n(j)aaeiaa kath vunaaeiaa ||
The cotton is ginned, woven and spun;
kit kuit kir KuMib cVwieAw ]
katt kutt kar khu(n)b charraaeiaa ||
the cloth is laid out, washed and bleached white.
lohw vFy drjI pwVy sUeI Dwgw sIvY ]
lohaa vadtae dharajee paarrae sooee dhhaagaa seevai ||
The tailor cuts it with his scissors, and sews it with his thread.
ieau piq pwtI isPqI sIpY nwnk jIvq jIvY ]
eio path paattee sifathee seepai naanak jeevath jeevai ||
Thus, the torn and tattered honor is sewn up again, through the Lord’s Praise, O Nanak, and one lives the true life.
hoie purwxw kpVu pwtY sUeI Dwgw gMFY ]
hoe puraanaa kaparr paattai sooee dhhaagaa ga(n)dtai ||
Becoming worn, the cloth is torn; with needle and thread it is sewn up again.
mwhu pKu ikhu clY nwhI GVI muhqu ikCu hMFY ]
maahu pakh kihu chalai naahee gharree muhath kishh ha(n)dtai ||
It will not last for a month, or even a week. It barely lasts for an hour, or even a moment.
scu purwxw hovY nwhI sIqw kdy n pwtY ]
sach puraanaa hovai naahee seethaa kadhae n paattai ||
But the Truth does not grow old; and when it is stitched, it is never torn again.
nwnk swihbu sco scw iqcru jwpI jwpY ]1]
naanak saahib sacho sachaa thichar jaapee jaapai ||1||
O Nanak, the Lord and Master is the Truest of the True. While we meditate on Him, we see Him. ||1||

…time to go study for finals.