it seems to be consuming me lately. I think it is because I can feel time slipping through my fingers with each passing second and I’m forgetting that frantically trying to hold onto the movement of time is futile.
I am also kind of overall just frustrated with myself because I have really made procrastination an art. The unconscious avoidance of what I need to do is so great now that, oh man, it’s really starting to catch up with me. I need to get a hold on this. I need to be able to PLAN AHEAD. This would really help with my whole anxiety issue.
What the heck are we all doing here? It is so weird, I mean we all want to be loved, we all, I think, want to be good and do good but there are such varying degrees of how far someone is willing to go to do these things and how much they care. Sometimes it seems that in order for someone to really take that next step and go above and beyond something big had to happen in their life to change them and make them put in that extra effort. Is that the case? I dunno, but I guess it’s my little theory.
Ugh, another thing lately, I just feel like I’ve been acting selfish, entitled and arrogant as hell. I mean, you are probably like whoa, why is she saying this, why does she think I care to hear about her problems, whats wrong with this girl….
Well, I feel like I would like to address that. I am writing like this because it is somewhat liberating for me to be all like “splat this is my brain in words” cause i mean, we are all human, we all think weird shit but don’t say it, but if we all are so goddam weird in our heads why not be able to share it, and accept someone else like that, weird shit and all. I mean and here is this arrogance thing again, am I trying to feel accepted by writing this blog? Maybe! Who knows! I will accept that possibility. Ya know I think another big reason why I am writing this blog is because I can just imagine that some people might react to it, like “omg!”, “wtf!” or, “huh?!” and it is amusing for me to imagine your face as you read this. I will do almost anything to make myself laugh, including writing a weird ass blog with all my word vomit in it yes. I mean I think there is a lot of valuable stuff in here, meditations, inspirational things, but there is also a bunch of strange stuff…like this post right here.
So anyway, yeah been feeling like wow girlfriend, you are not better than them, get that idea outta your head right now young lady!
Many many people over the years have told me that I think too much. I guess if so many people have told me this it must be true, right? I’m def working on learning how to drown out the brain chatter and tune into my intuition and let it take over. Then my brain is like “ahhhh, silence”. 🙂